Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
