So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
