Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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