a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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