I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
