Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
