woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize