I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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