i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
