Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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