I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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