I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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