I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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