Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
