he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
