Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you will always have a special place in my vag
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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