He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Randomize
