you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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