I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
