literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
