it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
