Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
