put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
