He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
