So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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