I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I checked into jail on foursquare
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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