He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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