I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize