This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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