Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
