If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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