Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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