She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
