i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
