My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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