I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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