And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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