I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
