even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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