I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
