im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Randomize
