Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
