I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
