Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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