So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
