I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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