that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
