Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
