It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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