i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
