i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
