Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
