Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I want to have your abortion
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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