Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
