After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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