I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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