She went from zero to smokin in five shots
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
