i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
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