Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
